Healing Fears

During my 15 years as a mental health therapist and more than 25 years as a life coach and spiritual director, I have exposed that the most fear of every human being is rooted in the helplessness of childhood. This kind of fear can be described probably as an instinctual fear. That fear was born at the moment when children had to leave full protective environment in the womb. The cried for the first time is an instinctual reaction to survive.

The helplessness of the childhood indicated at least by 2 factors such as (1) physically handicapped even to fill the basic needs. Because of this physical limitations children is not able to remove themselves from the danger situation, therefore becomes highly dependent on others to give protection; and (2) cognitively limited, which gives limitation to recognizing danger, knowing who can be trusted, but instinctually surrender and trust to parents or caregivers.

Within this dynamic, fear becomes one of the primitive emotion and primitive imprinted dogmatic voice that taught children to surrender and to attach to the caregivers regardless whatever their condition in order to survive. Therefore, they are very highly vulnerable from mentally and emotionally intimidation and manipulation. They are very sensitive with the reality of rejection and abandonment. The instinctual terror arises from the mind that thinks not in words but in feelings and images.

Most of the children that I asked about their nightmares gave descriptions with specific pattern of similarity that they have about being chased and devoured by monsters or wild animals that can talk in their nightmares. Interestingly, these nightmares still occur even in children who have never been exposed to the ideas of a monster.

In the study (2008), published in the journal Sleep, suggests that most children’s nightmares may be linked to the child’s personality traits. Researchers found that most parents of preschoolers reported that their children had nightmares “never” or “sometimes”, with less than 4% having nightmares “often” and “always”.

Children with frequent nightmares were more likely to be considered anxious by their parents and have difficult temperament. They found that the risk factors for nightmares shared common traits that emerged to as early as 5 months of age.

Moreover, researchers also found that young children with frequent nightmares have similarity psychologically and emotionally defects as shown in the study of adults with frequent nightmares. Both of them generally suffer from distress and other emotional problems. Protective factors which included parents or caregivers capability to provide emotional nurturing after children awoke from nightmares play significant role too.

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The question now is how to liberate the self from destructive fears that terrorize and paralyze your life?

Based on my experiences, there are at least three level of approaches that need to be incorporated in one’s psyche during therapeutic interventions.

  • First, is personal level. Because the root of the fears is probably in the helplessness of childhood then with professional help you need to uproot the deep sense of worthiness, to unveil the hidden self-worth, to redrafting the positive self-image. Through therapy process, you move from pessimism to optimism, you embrace low self-esteem by positive self-talk, and transforming self-critical to self-appraisal & gratitude.
  • Second, is interpersonal level. Because of the fears rooted from the defective primitive relationships with parents or caregivers then you need to acknowledging that you are visible and voiceable. You learn to acclaim that you are exist and worthy. With professional therapist, you move from rejection and abandonment thoughts and emotions to self-worth and mutual projected truthful genuine relationships. The maladaptive imprinted dogmatic voices then are to be unlearned by replaying transforming voices from true, genuine, trustful, intimate, non-judgmental positive regards relationships. You are transforming all your senses from the sense of impossibility to possibility.
  • Third, is transpersonal level. You embrace the areas of consciousness beyond the limits of personal identity. You embrace greater sense of surrender, awe, and grateful. You allow yourself to be transcended. You move away from your “ego-centered” which continuously restating self-pity and self-stupidity. You come to believe that you are not being alone and the worst victim in this universe. Through the profound healing therapeutic encounters, you and your therapist walk together to find gratitude, happiness, peace, forgiveness, and freedom from the depth that transform you to experience the absolute within.

You learn to see, to hear, and to experience the possibilities. You have multiple chances and ways in the therapeutic process to reconnect with the “unlimited absolute peace, forgiveness, compassion, and total positivity.” You are “there” naturally even without carrying a dust of fear. Beyond all of your accomplishments, you understand that these connectedness experiences are really as free given states of grace. You experience the total worthy of you because actually you allow it happens. You open and allow your mind and heart to be in the therapeutic journey. You interact genuinely in the profound therapeutic healing encounters that are offered, which than becomes sacred healing transforming therapeutic experiences. You believe in it and work on that wholeheartedly and yet you still let the possibilities from the unlimited blessings happen.

You are experiencing “Satori” (i.e., an experience that is often described as a turning over of the mind, surrendering, going through the gate, awakening, as a result of an inner decision to be at harmony with yourself and your physical world. It is a decision of sacred surrender mind and heart, to let go off control). Click here to read more about the meaning of Satori.


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My Happiness, My Responsibility

Happiness DoctorKu.USA

Do you agree with this statement?  If somebody really want to be happy, nobody can stop somebody to be happy. Happiness definitely is an inside job! Nobody can ruin one’s happiness! Probably they can upset someone, yes, but they can only temporarily displace one’s happiness. Because still, nobody can take away one’s happiness. Thus, in order to cultivate the fullness of life one needs to trust this reality as a daily truth ~ every day, every morning when wake up in the morning ~ that “nobody can ruin one’s happiness unless he or she allows it happens.”

Some people probably think that the statement above is too simple and untouchable with reality but there are  findings tell that one’s happiness has positive correlation with one’s capability to developing character of saying yes to the statement “nobody can ruin one’s happiness.” When a person is able to say yes to his or her “self” about that matter than actually that person believes that he and she has possibilities and to enhance the capability to make life happier. Therefore, that person will have better and greater chances to be a happier person at the present moment and the future.

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Saying yes for own happiness to the “self” and really mean it, and do it, is significant. One needs to agree and to commit first in order to allow him or herself to be happy and to become a happier person. By that positive conviction, one can strive more and believe more in the possibility to be a happier person. In this dynamic the person flows with positive core belief and then becomes a part of the flow itself, and the flow becomes a happening which transforms this person as a happier one.

The challenge is when one doesn’t believe in but still says it and then feeling miserable inside. Or, when one says it but doesn’t know the meaning of it, and keep saying it but doesn’t go with that. Or, when one says “yes” only to please the others who is “asking” or “inviting” in order to satisfy, not to hurt, not to disappointed the others. Or, the statement of “yes” is already as a daily commodity, stores in the subconsciousness, which states by a person without depth, without entity and meaning. Or, when too scare with the consequences of saying “yes” and doesn’t want to take responsibility to be seen different. Even there is a more painful reality when one says “yes” only to compromise with the screaming of the wounded inner voices who is trembling and shaking with only the thought of saying “No”.

Again, “nobody can ruin one’s happiness”. When person says “yes” about that matter with bold, depth, and strong entity, then there will be a movement follows. This inner movement brings to the real possibility that change is happening; that challenges the status quo of the self is starting. It is and inner act of bugging and correcting the comfortable position.

Actually, at the moment one says “yes” to the statement “nobody can ruin one’s happiness”, the inner self is just telling the mind, the heart, and the body to listen to the inner thirst. One starts believing that the thirst is real. The thirst becomes an inner calling to shred down all self-defenses. Then plunge one’s mind and heart into the call and entering into the core, and then discovering what is the grit that doesn’t let the mind and heart to rest until it is uncovered.

You will experience those things in the therapy sessions. You will learn that ambivalence is wakeup call to move on and to change for the better version of you. You will be challenged to choose between the conflicts because it is you who has power over yourself to be happy and “nobody can ruin your happiness unless you allow it happens.” You need to choose to be happy, either you are in the positions: (1) All the choices are sweet—sugars—positive; (2) between devil and the deep blue sea—when all the choices are negative; (3) at the time you are attracted to and repelled by the same object—Fatal Attraction–“I can’t live with it, and I can’t live without it!” Roulette Game! Or (4) when you are torn between two alternatives (lovers, lifestyles, work and children, etc.)—Each of which has both enticing positive and powerful negative aspects.

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Making The Darkness Conscious

Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow and hollow then this light is nearest of all to us ~ Meister Eckhart.

One of the great fears of modern society is the fear of loneliness and alienation. This is the most personal of fears. Loneliness or alienation is hurt. The pain is not just psychological; it often can manifest itself through physical symptoms that refuse to go away—or even, walking away, escaping from others. It gets worse when is followed by panic attack symptoms and becoming a codependent person. The uncertainty, feeling isolated and imminent threats preoccupied mind. There is a deep hollow inside the heart, empty at the core of being. Worthless becomes reality. T.S. Eliot expressed this experience in his poem, “The Hollow Men,” saying:

 We are the hollow men

We are the stuffed men

Leaning together

Headpiece filled with straw.

Hollow people feel they have no foundation, nothing to build their lives upon. They feel that no one, above all no one cares for them. Look at how the Samaritan woman did not have a kind of willingness to draw water in the morning, or in the evening together with another women who would habitually come to the well, because they were avoidinsamaritan1.jpgg the heat.

Amazingly, the deepest yearning to quench the thirst is actually unstoppable.

The story of Samaritan woman (John 4:5-25) probably is able to explain this miraculous guidance. She who was in the sorrow and hollow situation finally was able to meet with the divine professional “Healer.”

Her dried voices, when she whispered was quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass… She was thirsty inside…

Searching water under the midday sun perhaps spiritually symbolized how desperately she was to find something, which would quench her thirst. She had tried everything including “five husbands.” She had forgotten—that mostly, the lonely—and the alienated person often and tended to re-connect with person whom equally lonely, alienated, equally isolated, rejected and empty within. She leaned on just another person of straw.

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The healing transformation story started when she who was aware with her own shadow (i.e., sorrow and hollow), miraculously meeting with a great professional divine “Healer.” Jesus began the conversation: “Give me drink!” It meant, “I thirst!” He put himself at the same pace with the woman who was thirsty. He got her attention.

That starting conversation was powerful and very therapeutic. It was explained by Carl G. Jung who ever said,

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious”

At no time the Samaritan woman is more conscious of her “darkness” of life when it exposes in the noon time, in the midst of heat and burning light. At that moment she could trust that her dark night of life had come in service of the light. She could breathe through the transition and did the work that was necessary to prepare for her rebirth. She moved from codependency to interdependency personality. The therapeutic conversation guided her to stand on the threshold and to commit toward the healing transformation journey to becoming new.

She was more aware at that moment that she was not alone. She was standing and talking with professional divine “Healer.” The external and internal ideologies, beliefs systems, the old time dogmatic statements that block the genuine truthful relationship were crumbling down. Her statement of  How can you, a Jew, ask me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?” didn’t mean anything now. Instead of debate or reasoning, she experienced directly that the Healer offered her “living water.”

Furthermore, she was challenged to be more mindful to manage her own faith and confidence toward the healing transformation process. Her new belief system installed. Her awareness of her own inadequacies had been transformed throughout the direct therapeutic conversation with the professional divine “Healer.” She journeyed from deficit to the fullness of discipleship.

The walls of the frozen culture, religious boundaries, ideologies, theologies, beliefs  systems or dogmatic teachings that had divided and had abandoned one another in the family of human race, between Jews and Samaritan, between the status or position of male and female, husband and wife, between parents and children were broken down.

The miraculous therapeutic encounter freed her as a person. She had strength and courage to rush back to her city to become a witness that the healing had happened. She proclaimed and gave testimony to the whole village. She left her water bucket at the well—she left her old way of life behind. She had been healed and transformed.

Her heart was not hollow anymore.

Her heart delight with divine mercy!

Her soul was not filled with straws anymore!

Her soul was filled with spring of water that welling up to eternal life!

Her soul worship, proclaim, gave testimony, and gratitude wholeheartedly to the world!

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Trust

One thing you need to be more mindful is that when you say “living in the present” you need to cultivate first “trust.” It is almost impossible to experience the flow of life and grow up to the fullness if you don’t have trust. At the time you don’t trust someone or something  then will raise inside you some possible “inferiority thoughts or feelings,” which will stop the flow.

Those thoughts and feelings are associated with the state of being resistant, judgmental, hesitant, fearful, dishonest, indifferent, shut down, closed, suspicious, and paranoia. They directly and continuously filter your ways at the time you interact with your spouse, partner, children, or others.  

On the contrary, trust enables you to proceed with unconditional assurance to tap into the unknown. You just be and flow. You are able to experience the total realities with the whole of you. You believe that what you do will not fail and if it is fail then you know that there are reasons behind it. You don’t regret because the value lies in the process, not in a specific outcome. You convince, ultimately, everything works for the greater good. You have courage to expose your vulnerabilities to someone or to the surroundings.

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You create a safe present in your thoughts and feelings. You believe that someone or the surroundings will not hurt you but is helping you to grow even more and more. You become less defensive. You develop an unique capability to open mind and heart more to the larger realities, with more positive, more possibilities, more receptive to the uncertainty,  and more passionate in the interaction or in giving responses. Amazing right!

In other words, trust is incredibly healing and transforming. Trust leads you to hear the voice within and you follow it without hesitation. Trust gives you courage to tell the truth, to be more flexible, to recite gratitude, and of course to be more generous.

Unbelievably, trust, by itself is an unconditional positive regards toward self and others. Trust then welcomes others to see themselves as they were and are “in and with” you,  and transform them to the better. That is the reason professional therapist will convey the ingredients of trust in their therapeutic journey with clients for both individuals and couples. Again, trust is the groundwork and the primary goal of therapy that show the way of healing. 

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Smoking Cessation

Through the use of psychotherapy and hypnotherapy we are able to offer a program that tackles both the addiction to smoking, and the psychological stressors that make quitting smoking so difficult. The decision to quit smoking is one of the most important decisions you will ever make regarding your health and wellbeing.  People who try to stop smoking through other methods often report misery, depression and a feeling that they are being deprived. Our approach seeks to remove the feeling of deprivation as well as eliminating the desire to smoke. You won't need useless aids, gimmicks, or substitutes. No nicotine gums or patches. No needles, No inhalers or nasal sprays. All we ask is a sincere desire to quit smoking.
Through the use of psychotherapy and hypnotherapy we are able to offer a program that tackles both the addiction to smoking, and the psychological stressors that make quitting smoking so difficult. The decision to quit smoking is one of the most important decisions you will ever make regarding your health and wellbeing.
People who try to stop smoking through other methods often report misery, depression and a feeling that they are being deprived. Our approach seeks to remove the feeling of deprivation as well as eliminating the desire to smoke. You won’t need useless aids, gimmicks, or substitutes. No nicotine gums or patches. No needles, No inhalers or nasal sprays. All we ask is a sincere desire to quit smoking.

Click HERE to contact Doctor Ku.

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